It is the holiday season now. I’m filled with both a sickness about the greed all around and a warmth and love and gratitude for the gifts in life I’ve been given. These two do not live exclusive of each inside me. They live and breathe together, making my thoughts this time of year slightly muddled. Waffling back and forth between these two I cry at the injustices and cruelties perpetuated every day in the name of power and that never ending black hole of “more”, and then I smile and feel overwhelmed with joy by the goodness and beauty in my life. I sing inside with possibility and hopefulness about the human condition and the kindness of strangers. I curse the cruel and power hungry, and ache for those who are cold and hungry this time of year.
I’m of two minds.
Then I say to myself… zip it. Zip. Shh.
I am currently filled with an overwhelming feeling of love. Love for family I have close and those who are far away from me but who live in my heart every minute of every day. Love for friends near and far who lift my heart with laughter and connectedness and a joy I am so lucky to recognize is there.
I sit here watching the kids and my honey build the new configuration of Sebastian’s train track. It’s quite an undertaking. They are somehow managing to stay calm and I am somehow managing to keep my opinion out of it. Three opinions are enough. They are getting it done with laughter and cooperation. I keep writing.
Christmas snuck up on us this year. Thanksgiving later than usual lessened the time in between. Consequently we were unprepared and haven’t realized even half the things we dreamed we’d get done. No worries. The things aren’t important. Not really. Yes, I’m referring to the buying of gifts.
I love giving gifts. Always have. I don’t much enjoy getting them. OK, honestly, I do enjoy getting them, but am always, with the exception of getting gifts from my honey, uncomfortable with having others watch me open gifts and then knowing how to respond to said items in an appropriate way. I think I’m slightly off in this regard. I don’t often know how to be when I get a gift. My default is always to smile and say thanks. I think it works. I’m still always slightly uncomfortable.
And that’s just about enough of the gift talk…. almost. I always appreciate getting gifts and recognize the fact that the people or persons who’ve given them to me do so with affection. I recognize this. I appreciate it. I’d just much rather be the giver of gifts than the receiver. Tomorrow, however, on Christmas Day, I will get gifts. And, truthfully, I will love them, whatever they are. I’m an oxymoron.
A word on holiday cheer… I’m drinking a bit of wine right now. Very cheerful.
I think it’s tough to feel so lucky about what I have in life without thinking about how there are so many people out in the world who don’t have the family and friend support I have, who maybe don’t have enough food or warmth or love in their lives. And once again I’m back to the ache I feel for those who may be less fortunate than I. Sadly, there are many of those as I am mightily fortunate.
I am of two minds.
The wine cures this conundrum and adds to it.
Preparations are nearly done for the big reveal tomorrow when two small boys, one three year old in particular, will rush down to see what Santa has brought to the house, how many cookies he might have eaten of those that were left for him, and how many nibbles on carrots Santa’s reindeer might’ve taken. It will be a fun and glorious thing. Love in a short and glee filled package. There’s no waffling about that. He and his brother are light and love and wishes fulfilled. I am blessed beyond measure.
Merry Christmas to all… and to all a good night.