LiFe

All posts tagged LiFe

A Thousand Years

Posted by tokenhippygirl on May 22, 2013
Posted in: Family & Friends, LiFe. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , . 2 comments

I’m sentimental, empathetic, and very in tune with the feelings of others.  Always have been.  It’s the thing that makes me cry during silly commercials, sporting events, and when I hear a song on the radio that makes me think of someone I love.  I feel things deeply.  All things.  Sometimes this makes it hard, I’m sure, to live with me.  When I’m upset I’m emotionally upset, which I myself don’t always understand, and when I feel love I am so full of love I sometimes fear my body won’t be able to contain it.  All of this emotion comes from the same well deep inside of me.  It is at times overwhelming, explosive, warm, joyous, and all consuming.  I don’t always appreciate these deep feelings I have, and have sometimes wished I didn’t have them at all, but honestly, I’m glad I’m like this.  I’m glad I see, and feel, the world this way, through this blanket of empathy and love.

Earlier today I watched a Youtube video of a man using a flash mob, in Central Park, to help him propose to his boyfriend of many years.  It was beautiful.  Simply put, love is love.  There can’t be too much of it in the world, in my opinion.  So while I was watching this video I started to cry.  It was moving, and as noted above, I’m a crier.  I felt for them, was happy for them, happy for the people watching, happy for one of the guys Mom’s who was there to see it and crying herself.  My honey looked over at me, we were both in our office, and said you must be watching something emotional.  I had headphones on and tears streaming down my face.  She’s used to this.

I watched the video and listened to that song and thought, once again, of my honey and how lucky I am to have her.  It’s really, I think, why I was crying today.  I was overwhelmed by the love I feel for her.  I am difficult to live with.  Difficult to love sometimes I think, but she is always right there, loving me as if it’s easy for her.  Making me feel as though it’s easy for her, as though it’s something she has always done, something that’s natural and true.  I am so blessed and lucky that she somehow manages to understand me and love me for all that I am, good and difficult.  For 10 years.  10.  I can’t express how much I love her.  It comes from a place so deep inside that deep well of mine that I don’t think there are actually words.  Just feelings so big and strong and true they defy articulation.

Honey… I have loved you for a thousand years and will love you for a thousand more….

 

Our House Was A Home

Posted by tokenhippygirl on March 26, 2013
Posted in: LiFe, Oregon. Tagged: , , , , . 4 comments

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I’d never owned a house.  I was, until I met Karen, a gypsy of sorts.  I moved and moved all up and down the valley, over to the beach, down to Southern Oregon, and back to the valley.  When a person moves so much they tend to pare down.  Meaning I also didn’t have much in the way of stuff.  Some books and music, of course, and same old boxes of papers and some memorabilia from childhood, but otherwise not much.  What I owned fit into a small Uhaul.

My life was, to a certain point, about movement, change, experience.  The places I lived were weigh stations and spots to put my head at night, places to keep my CD’s and my stereo.  They were not home.

Then she walked in.  She walked in and some months later we bought a house.  We owned a house.  It was my first one.  More than that though, we made a life there.  The house was home for me, really, from the moment I stood on the front deck that hot summer day, wind moving through the trees, peace… quiet.  I can’t explain that feeling, though I’m sure many reading this have had it.  It felt right.  Puzzle pieces moving, click, into place.  The sound of that wind in the trees, a bit like the sound of the ocean, eyes closed listening, and instantly a house suddenly became a home.

We moved each of our things in, things that had been separate but were then combined.  Things which had been mine and hers, but  were then ours.  We bought furniture together to fill the rooms and pots and pans and silverware to fill the kitchen.  We bought art, oh how we love our art, and TV’s, cool bookends, and shampoo.  We worked on the yard, planting flowers we chose, and putting up hanging baskets.  We got wind chimes and hand blown glass hummingbird feeders, had decks, a paved driveway, and fences put in.  Karen built tables and things in the shop, I took photo after photo after photo of the flowers in the yard.  I trimmed trees, she weeded, I worked on the Japanese Garden, she mowed.  We hauled in loads of topsoil, spread a bit of bark dust, and moved tons of rainbow rock.  We lived.

Karen and I both got sick in the house, but we also recovered there.  We added on a master bathroom and painted some of the rooms.  Mom got married there, we threw big and small get togethers, we brought home both our babies, Weston and Riley, who loved it and called it there own, relishing the use of their doggie door and playing Chuckie in the yard.  We sat in the hot tub at night, stars all around, and listened to the deer walking on the hillside.  We even had a mountain lion living at the house for a time.

In our house we laughed, and danced, and cried, and hugged, and  sometimes yelled.  In our house we ate, watched TV, played cards, got snowed in, had visits from mostly everyone we love, watched the deer, and tasted good wine.  In our house we loved each other.

A house is just a house, until suddenly it becomes a home.  We poured our lives and love and heart and our souls into it and it gave back in kind.  It is a reflection of the life being lived in it and ours was beautiful.  That house, our first house, was not just a house to us, it was our home.  A home we both loved… and love still.

I Hope The Fish Are Bitin’

Posted by tokenhippygirl on January 8, 2013
Posted in: Family & Friends, LiFe, Photos. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 1 comment

I can’t believe it’s been a week.  A week.  Time goes so fast, or slow, or fast again, depending on how you look at it, and how you feel.  To me, and in talking to Mom, to her as well, it seems as if the last week has stretched out creating the illusion that oh so much more time has actually passed than has.  Yet all in slow motion… stretching.  It’s strange.

It’s strange what emotions do to you.  Sad ones anyway.  A week ago today Mom called me early early in the morning to say her husband, Don, has died suddenly, and what everyone believes is pretty peacefully, in his sleep.  She woke to strange breaths, tried to wake him, called 911, did chest compressions until the ambulance arrived, and watched as they worked on him both here at the house and then again at the hospital.  He couldn’t be revived.  She was sitting with him when she started making calls.

I couldn’t believe it early that morning and still I don’t know if I can believe it.  I was just here visiting a month and a half ago.  Just here at the house hanging out with them.  Here chatting with him, loving that occasional mischievous grin he’d get sometimes when he thought he was pulling one over or getting your goat a bit.  I really liked that grin.  I really liked how he made my Mom happy.  Gardening, traveling, spending time with family, trying new Vegan recipes together, reading the paper over good espresso in the morning, and watching the news at night.

Don was a passionate man.  Passionate about seeing and exploring the world, passionate about his grandkids and kids, passionate about my Mom and their life here on the farm.  He loved trying new gardening techniques and recipes and finding just the right mix to make a suet the birds would like and eat, mixing it up in big batches and devising a plan of delivery so the bigger scrub birds couldn’t get it all.

Sitting here helping Mom go through some of his papers I discovered he was a bit of a poet and philosopher at heart, eloquent when he wanted to be in writing his thoughts down.  Snippets here and there of things he’d experienced while traveling, feelings he’d had as kept moving forward through life.

He was an amazing guy, and though I didn’t know him nearly long enough, or know him as well as I would’ve liked, I really only need to know this… he loved my Mom well, he loved his children, and he adored his grandchildren.  He had friends he cared about and who care about him.  He knew what life is all about.  He lived his life using that as his guide… it’s about the people you love and who love you.  And because he lived his life that way, because he knew it was all about loving his people and them loving him, he made such and impact on those people… he made an impact on me.  I can see him in the beauty of his grandchildren, in their smiles, their sense of fun, in their determination.  I can see him in his children, how they are as parents, who they are as people.  His legacy is vast and far reaching.  His memory, his impact on everyone, so lasting and strong.

Don… you loved well… and you are so well loved…

And if you can hear this… hear me… I hope the fish are bitin’ where you are, and I hope they look out because Fly Fish Don is coming.

Giving Thanks

Posted by tokenhippygirl on November 21, 2012
Posted in: Family & Friends, LiFe, Words, Words Written. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 7 comments

Wow…  Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  Can’t believe it.  Sometimes these things sneak up on us.  Not that we aren’t prepared, we are.  It’s just that I can’t believe it’s already that time of year.  We have entered the holiday season.  And again I’ll say… wow.

Now that I’m getting over my shock at the time of year it is, I want to give some thanks, as has become my tradition here at the think tank every year.  I am thankful for so many things….

First, as always, I’m thankful for my honey.  I just spent a couple of weeks away from her and let me tell you, I’m no good without her.  I mean this in a metaphorical sense people so don’t go making assumptions about my lack of self esteem… my self esteem is in tact.  It’s just that I don’t like being without her.  As I explained to my Mom and my brother, Karen is my home.  A house is a structure that, if done correctly, reflects who we are, feels cozy to that end, and shelters us from the elements.  A home, on the other hand, is where our heart lives.  Mine lives with Karen.  Hers with me.  We are simpatico in this.  Which makes it all the more real and heartfelt.  My home is with her, no matter where we live, and I am beyond thankful for that.  I’m blessed to have met her, lucky to have snagged her, and honored and humbled by the fact that she continues to love me, and love me more every day.  I can’t begin to express what this means to me, and really I don’t think there are words to describe it.  She is my breath, my light, my warmth, my love.  She is my split apart, and I am hers.  I whisper, thank you thank you thank you, out to the universe every day for her.

Mom and Kev… We are, and have been for a long long time, the three amigos.  Having spent time with you these least three weeks (one here and two there), I appreciate you even more, if that’s even possible.  There is a magic that happens when we are all in the same room.  I’m so lucky to be a part of that.  So lucky to have you… I feel love and gratitude for you every day.

Mary, Martin, and our little man… Thank you.  Thank you for allowing me into your lives, into your family.  As I’ve said before, I never had my own children, but nevertheless I consider you mine.  I feel a part of a family, with children, and grandchildren, that I would never have without you and your acceptance and love of me.  I love you guys and am so very grateful for you every day.

My family and friends… I tear up thinking about all of you, near and far.  For one person to be blessed with such an outstanding group of people in my life… I am so humbled.  You bring the zest, the encouragement, the support, the fun, and more love than I thought possible.  I’m amazed every day by the depth and quality of the people in my life.  Not only the sheer numbers of you, but by the people you are.  Each and every one of you is a stellar human.  I mean this.  Family to friends, each of you brings something so uniquely you to my life.  I treasure that.  I treasure how individual you are, how loving you are, how fun you are, how many smiles and laughs you’ve given me over the years, and I feel so fortunate to have all of that with you.  I am blessed beyond measure for knowing you, for having you in my life, and for continuing to get to spend time with you when I can.    No matter the distance it seems we always manage to pick up where we left off, be that a year ago or yesterday, and I am honored by that, by your presence in my life.  I feel you with me every day and I’m so very thankful for you.

The pups… I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but they are so important to me and every day I’m so loved by them, and grateful to them for their little selves in my life.  They are my home as well, and I am so lucky to have them.  They love without condition, without pretense, without judgement or agenda.  They’re always excited to see me, even if I’ve only been outside for a moment, and they are always completely genuine.  I love them more than I can measure, and am so very thankful for them.  They bring a joy to my life, our lives, that can’t be measured.

I always say the only thing in life that truly matters are the people we love and who love us.  I mean this.  Everything else is set dressing, though nature, in all it’s glory, is a wonder and something I’m also grateful for every day.   To that end I’d like to include the following poem by e.e. cummings.  He’s my favorite poet, and I’m humbled by and grateful for his words, words that have helped, at times, me to get through periods of struggle.  Words that have at times helped me to better explain the world to myself.  This is one of my favorites of his… and it pretty much sums up the rest of it, the rest of what I’m grateful for…

i thank You God for most this amazing

by e. e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing

day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Go Live a Normal Life

Posted by tokenhippygirl on October 3, 2012
Posted in: Leukemia, LiFe. Tagged: , , , , , . 6 comments

I’m crying.  I can’t seem to stop.  I dry up for awhile, and then there they are again, tears falling down my face uncontrollably.  I’m not sad… no, not at all.  These are tears of joy.  Tears from days, and weeks, sometimes hours, and two years and four months.

Wow.  What should I do now.  It hasn’t sunk in yet.  I think the sinking in will take some time.

I had blood work yesterday, it was great, then an appointment with my oncologist this morning.  The appointment was fast.  He looked at my blood work, said it was fantastic, listened to me breathe a bit, answered our questions, and then said to me go live a normal life. A normal life. Normal.  Life.

I’m overwhelmed.  Two years and four months, to the day, since diagnosis.  15 pushes of hard core chemo, three bone marrow biopsies, more blood work than I can count, pic line, pic line removal, tests on my heart, x-rays on my lungs, more pills of ATRA than I can count, trips to the urgent care, somewhere around 45 days in the hospital all together, 1065 pills of 6MP, 102 shots, and all the other thousand and one things that’ve gone on over the last two years and four months. Every week, for two years, every week… every Wednesday at 10:00 am.

Now?

Well now I guess I go live a normal life…  and here come the tears again.  They are welcome, and so is the joy the accompanies them. Live a normal life.  Normal.  Life.  That sounds really good to me.

Living The Legacy

Posted by tokenhippygirl on June 18, 2012
Posted in: LiFe. Tagged: , , , , , . 3 comments

I’m so fortunate.  I have always known this somehow, even though I’m no stranger to trouble and obstacle and death and sickness.  I’ve known it.  I’ve also been lucky to somehow always have known the things that are most important in life.  Which again I will say are the people you love and who love you back.  That and all things gadgety.  Well, maybe not really, but I love gadgets and was attempting humor.

Anyway… I’m fortunate to know these things, but then I experience something like I did this past weekend at Grandpa’s memorial service and I not only feel that fortune magnified, but I’m humbled by the enormity of it.

There we all were, family, friends, friends of Grandpa, and former students and teachers of Grandpa’s.  The later groups, the former students and teachers, surprised us all.  The surprise was not that they were there so much as what they said.  It was humbling to know that Grandpa, who we as family already knew was stellar in his role as father and grandfather, was also stellar in his role as friend and educator, as boss and mentor.

The memorial started and we were sitting up toward the front.  All of the family was around us, tables filled.  I hadn’t looked behind me until it came time to pass the microphone around and offer people a moment to share their thoughts and feelings about Grandpa.  We’d already had the siblings, his children, each offer their memories.  We’d had a couple of musical selections.  We’d listened to the words of some of his grandchildren.  All fine and lovely and heart felt.  All fueled by the deep love and admiration we all share.  But then… then the time came for others present to offer anything they wanted about him.  I turned around to look and listen, totally surprised by the number of people there.  There were a lot of them, and offer they did.

From the man (and forgive me for not remembering their names) who talked about being a terrible student until he had my Grandpa as a teacher for the 5th and 7th grade and how he learned lessons from him in confidence and how to be a better boy, and therefore man, to the man who said he’s known two great men, his father and my Grandpa, and how he named one of his son’s after Grandpa.  This man a student of his so long ago.  There were stories of him as mentor to new teachers, a friend when he worked as an accountant before he was a teacher, as principal and in his role as assistant superintendent of public schools.  Story after story of his heart, his integrity, his willingness to be a friend, and to help someone out.  Stories about the quiet unflinching discipline that made people want to be better, to do better.  Stories of his honesty, his being quiet and gentle, of him as a man of high expectations and a big heart.  Stories of how people in his work life knew the most important thing to him was his family. I was, as I think we all were, floored by the outpouring.  Person after person stood.  It went on for a while.  And as it did I think my heart actually grew.  Swelling with the emotion of it, the wave.  Swelling with pride.

It’s not that I was surprised by it, it’s just that my experience of Grandpa was/is as a member of his family.  My time with him was always family time.  He never spoke of his work.  I mean, never.  Not to me. The closest I ever got to that was occasionally hearing he and Grandma discuss something or another about his work when he was assistant superintendent and that was always fleeting. Grandma bringing something up, asking a question, Grandpa answering, and then moving on to being with us.  Attention on us.  Attention on his family.  So I never thought of him really as a working guy, which of course he was.  And when people starting standing up, starting talking about him, bells went off inside, along with a swell of pride.  Because, of course, he was the same man everywhere he went.  And because he was the same man, he had the same effects on kids he taught in school, kids he had to discipline in school, people he hired and mentored as teachers, friends he made along the way.  He was the same man everywhere he went, and being that man, he touched so many lives, more than I imagined.  

I sat there, tears coming down, feeling an overwhelming sense of him, as a whole man, and along with that feeling an intense sense of honor and pride at being his granddaughter and all that entails.  We have a legacy.  This beautiful amazing legacy left to us by both our Grandpa and our Grandma.  It’s such a privilege to be a part of that legacy, to be a part of this family, and also such a responsibility.  We must use those lessons taught to us so well.  We must honor his memory, and the memory of our Grandma, by being the best people we can.  By living the best lives we can.  We must continue to put out that energy of acceptance, warmth, laughter, expectation, guidance, heart, adventure, good will, integrity, humor, and abiding love of life and family.  We must.  It would be his wish, his expectation, and that expectation is strong, still.  He and Grandma would want us to continue on with love of life, love of family.  And, they would be, and I feel are, proud of us.  Proud of the people we are.  The people they made of us.  Just as we, to the last of us, are oh so proud to be Grandpa and Grandma’s children and grandchildren and great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.  

I am proud, and honored, to be their granddaughter.  More than I can articulate adequately here.  There really aren’t enough words to describe it.  And maybe that’s OK.  Maybe my Uncle Tom’s words, said at our family gathering after the memorial, say it all, “My Dad is a rock star”.  And yes, yes he was, and still is to all of us.

The Power of Two

Posted by tokenhippygirl on June 1, 2012
Posted in: Leukemia, LiFe. Tagged: , , , , , , . 1 comment

Here it is, June 1.  I am amazed this much time has passed.  Two years.  Two.

Two years ago today I was a sick puppy and ventured into the urgent care, on the insistence of my honey and of the nurse who I’d talked to on the phone.  Urgent care to hospital via ambulance a few hours later and the adventure began.

I can’t believe it’s been two years.  Wow.  I’m blessed, lucky, and so very grateful for all the men and women who have, over the course of the last two years, provided me with amazing care.  From urgent care numerous times to hospital numerous times to infusion centers and labs and doctor’s offices I have seen the best of what humanity has to offer.  These countless people treated me and continue to with such respect and gentle understanding I am humbled.  From Oregon to Illinois I’ve been lucky to know them all.  The genuine way they listen and treat is phenomenal.  I wish I could hug each one and let them know how much they have meant and continue to mean to me.  Having told them and continuing to tell them thank you just doesn’t seem like enough.

Two years.  This is a great grand life I’m living.  If this experience has taught me nothing else it is that a person should constantly, to the point of over doing it, express how much they care for and love the people around them.  They are what makes our life fantastic and lovely.  Nothing else.  So to the universe of people out there, old and new, who I know and love and who have shown such great support and love throughout not just this experience but my life, I love each and every one of you.

 

The House

Posted by tokenhippygirl on September 22, 2011
Posted in: LiFe. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

So Karen and I realized we’ve lived here just about five weeks.  We are finally getting things sort of settled, though there’s still some wallpaper border to remove and definitely painting to be done.  I took a little tour of the house, snapping shots as I went, so that we could share what the place is looking like now.  Keep in mind… the dots in the office are going, as is the wallpaper border in the dining room, as is the color in the media room and the spare bedroom.  We have a few more things to hang on the walls… including a tryptic we just ordered of a shot I took of Chicago that’s going to hang down in the media room.  Can’t wait to get that baby.  Will be cool.  Obviously we haven’t hung anything up in the office or the spare bedroom either, again due to the fact that we haven’t painted anything yet.

Uh, the picture quality isn’t the best… I was doing this on the fly and not really paying attention.  My honey will hate that the bed isn’t fully made in the bedroom photos and that there are blankets thrown about down in the media room as well as in the living room, but hey… this is how we live most of the time.

Our yard is fantastic.  Pretty big.  We like it.  Our garage, which I didn’t shoot at all, is about a car and a half.  Plenty of room for the car and for tools, storage, and such.  I’ll shoot that next time I make some rounds.  I also didn’t shoot the side yard, street side, that’s beautiful.  Oh well… looks like I left a few things out.  Next time…

Martin called our style bohemian.  We like it.  He’s right.  We don’t like any particular style.  We like what we like and buy what we like and somehow it all fits together.

When and as things get painted and wallpaper gets removed I will take more photos.  You know, when the house is completely done.  I’ll try to make those more house beautiful.  For now… this is it… our place in Illinois.

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Why Can’t Jim Own a Canadian?

Posted by tokenhippygirl on February 11, 2011
Posted in: Rants, Words Written. Tagged: , , , . 1 comment

I just read this post on Facebook and had to repost it here on my blog.  It had me laughing so hard I was was crying.  Thanks Margaret for posting it there and Jim (whoever you are) for writing it.

Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?

by Margaret Shelburne Reed on Friday, February 11, 2011 at 7:46pm
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim

Being Normal

Posted by tokenhippygirl on November 19, 2010
Posted in: Family & Friends. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a Comment

Kev and I went to the airport last night to meet Karen, who was returning from a business trip.  She didn’t expect us as she’d driven to the airport, had a car in long term parking (the trip was a Tuesday to Thursday thing), and was expecting to drive herself home.  We thought we would surprise her and then I could drive her home.  Both Kev and I knew she would be very tired, still on East coast time, having not slept well while she was away.  So we drove in to meet her plane, which landed minutes before ten.  She was surprised.  It was a great thing to do.  And, as planned, I drove her home.

I’m smiling about this…. this is a thing the Tam before leukemia would do.  This is a thing the Tam with leukemia in full remission did.  This is something from my normal life.

People complain about normal, about it being mundane, ordinary… boring.  I might even have said things like that in the past.  I never will again.  Normal, to me, is great.  It’s good.  I have said over and over in the last month or so that I just want to be able to get back to leading a normal life.  Living a normal life.  Yes, I know I have maintenance for another 23 months.  I know that.  But my maintenance isn’t that bad.  I’m starting to get into a routine with it.  I can lead a normal life doing it.  What’s normal you ask?  It’s doing the dishes and laundry without feeling exhausted during and after.  It’s going to the grocery store with my honey and not having to wait in the car.  It’s attending functions with family and friends and going to movies and taking trips and getting out taking my cameras almost everywhere I go.  Normal is not having everyone think of me as the girl with leukemia.  It’s being myself, coming back to myself, again.  Normal.  What a fantastic lovely word that is.  What a glorious way to be being normal is.

Wednesday

Posted by tokenhippygirl on August 4, 2010
Posted in: Family & Friends, Leukemia. Tagged: , , . Leave a Comment

A quiet day at the abode today.  I did take a shower, which was nice, and Karen went to the store, the bank, and the pet store (yay!  bullies for the pups… they are SO happy!).  Not much going on.  Tomorrow is the next blood test which will tell us where I am.  I was feeling slightly punky this morning… not terrible, just a bit punky, but am feeling much better this afternoon.  Actually, I felt much better after I ate lunch.  I’ve found eating something every couple of hours helps a lot.  So those sweet and salty bars Karen picked up have come in really handy.

For some reason today my words sound to me like blah blah blah blah… LOLOL  It’s making me laugh.  Guess this means the entry for today is going to be short.  Hope everyone out there is having a fantastic day!

The Day After

Posted by tokenhippygirl on July 20, 2010
Posted in: LiFe. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a Comment

Here I am, still sitting in the family room, but things have changed.  I feel myself starting to relax (a soak in the hot tub this afternoon helped that a bit).  I’m still tense, and think that the tension will take a while to fully leave me, but it’s starting to ease.  I walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes this morning and will do another round on it this evening as well.  I got some good sleep last night and felt much better today… more energy.  Granted, I could, possibly and maybe… ya think?, feel better today because of the great news we got yesterday.  That is still sinking in.  Remission…. wow.

Here Comes The Heat

Posted by tokenhippygirl on July 6, 2010
Posted in: Eats, Family & Friends, Leukemia. Tagged: , , , , , , . 3 comments

I’m sitting here in our family room typing on my new laptop (thanks honey!).  My sweetie is sitting out in back at our little table, under the umbrella, working.  Nice place to work.  Mom just took the dogs for a walk.  It’s supposed to be hot-ish today.  Near 90.  I’m having a decent day.

My days go like this, pretty much…. sleep to 8:30 or 9:00 (so nice to be able to sleep after not really being able to sleep in the hospital for so long), get up and come into the family room.  Get set up with pillows and a blanket (Debbie… I’m using the purple blanket you made for me… I love it.  Thank you so much!), tv on, pre-meds (anti-nausea) taken.  Breakfast (consisting of either cheerios or cream of wheat or rice) about a half an hour or forty five minutes later accompanied by the 5 pills of ATRA (oral chemo).  Then it’s just a day of sitting watching tv, playing on the computer, etc.  I get some snacks, I get lunch, then at dinner time I get, yep… more pre-meds followed about a half an hour or forty five minutes later by dinner (lately that’s been steamed smashed potatoes with broccoli and cottage cheese on it) and 5 pills of ATRA.  I’m taking 10 a day.  Then, after watching a movie with the family, bed time at 10:00 ish.  I’m feeling OK.  Stronger than I did, definitely, before this whole thing started, but not nearly what normal would be.  Weird to have this very low level of energy.  But again, it’s better than it was when this whole thing started.

So it’s supposed to get up into the 90′s this week.  Good thing my honey went and got us an air conditioner.  We are set up in the bedroom with it.  Thank goodness.  If it gets too hot in the family room during the day (and this is usually the coolest room in the house normally) we can move this show to the bedroom during the real heat of the day.  It’s the small things in life that make it, ya know?  I’m grateful for that air conditioner.  I’m grateful for my honey, for my Mom walking the dogs, for this blanket, for the friends and family who keep sending me notes and holding me in their hearts.  I’m holding all of you back you know…  hanging on tight and feeling the warmth of all that love.  Brings a warmth to my soul much warmer than the heat that will come in the next few days.  MUCH warmer.

Back to the Beginning

Posted by tokenhippygirl on June 7, 2010
Posted in: LiFe. Tagged: , , . 5 comments

I realized that the further I get away from the start of all of this the more fuzzy it gets. My solution…. Recap. This is more for me than for all of you, but again… My blog. You can skip to the next post if you don’t want to wade through how short or long this becomes.

May 18…. Doctor for sinus.
May 19-24…. Atlanta – much more tired than I should have been
May 25 – back at work
May 26 – dentist for abcessed gum procedure
May 27 – called advice nualrse and ended up with another round of antibiotics for sinus (never saw a doctor)
May 28 – May 31… Home sick
June 1… 4:00 PM…. Called advice nurse in afternoon after not being able to walk to kitchen in house without feeling like I was going to hurl from fatigue. Was told by advice nurse after relaying my specific symptoms that I should go to urgent care.
June 1…. 5:15 PM…. Arrive urgent care. See doc, Eric Martin, at 7:45. He listens to symptoms, looks at me, talks to Karen about my color, etc., and gets blood tests done.
June 1…. 9:30 PM… Doc comes in and says, “girl, you are really sick. I’m checking you into the hospital and you are going by ambulance. They will have to do a lot of tests, a lot of tests, and then they will let you know for sure what’s going on.”
June 1…. 10:00 PM… Ambulance comes and picks me up.
June 1… 10:30 PM… Arrive at Sunnyside and get taken directly to Oncology floor and room 442.
June 2…. 2:00 AM… First transfusion begins
June 2… 1:00 PM…. Bone marrow biopsy
June 3…. Second tranfusion
June 3…. 4:00 PM…. Dr. Bigler came in and talked to us, finally giving the news that, “my marrow was chalk full of APL Leukemia”. I then say…. OK, what do we do about it. What’s next.
June 3….. 6:00 PM…. First round of ATRA chemotherapy pills
June 4…. 8:00 AM…. Second round of ATRA
June 4…. 10:30 AM…. Muga scan (nuclear scan of heart to make sure my heart was strong enough for the ATRA regimen)
June 4…. Noon…. First IV Push of chemotherapy med Idarubicen
June 5…. ATRA continues morning and night
June 5… IV site fails…. Other attempts made and then picc line decision made
June 6…. Third transfusion
June 6… ATRA continues…. Second IV push
June 7…. ATRA continues morning and night

So many more things happened, and continue to happen, in the course of all of this…. So Many talks with fantastic nurses and doctors answering our questions, giving us lessons on what this and that means, taking a shower without being able to use my right arm because the picc line is in that side, pills for all sorts of things, eating on time, getting vitals done often, measuring my liquids in and out, great talks with Karen, mom, and Kev, having Saline IV sometimes, getting my own clothes, so much love pouring in from family and friends…..

And that my friends is a non-comprehensive recap!

I’m a Picc’n and Still a Grin’n

Posted by tokenhippygirl on June 5, 2010
Posted in: Leukemia. Tagged: , , , . 5 comments

I have leukemia. Damn. Shocked I am, still. Just found out two days ago. It was like slow motion. I’m in the hospital bed sore as hell after having the bone marrow biopsy (which hurt like a son of a bitch by the way) and in comes who is now my very own nice oncologist to ask me tons of questions about my life and symptoms before getting to that day… And then he says, in a very straightforward manner…. Your marrow is very full of Acute Promyelocytic (APL) Leukemia. It was like his mouth was moving there for a second and nothing was coming out, even though I heard everything he was saying. I managed to stay calm, though everyone else in the room started crying. That’s OK. They love me and were/are afraid. The doc went on to say it was good case bad case. Very aggressive leukemia but if I handle it all well in the first month, meaning I don’t have some bad infection or other catastrophic event, it’s got a 95% cure rate. I am very vulnerable to bleeding and infection. He was great actually, my now oncologist. I have an oncologist. Shit.

So the adventure continues and will for a long time to come. There are rounds of oral and IV push chemo, more bone marrow biopsies (thrilling), more chemo, blood draws, meds of other kinds, blood transfusions (I’ve had three so far and really look forward to them… Is that some kind of Vampire wrong? LOL), hours of hanging out in the oncology ward being told I’m now “one of the family” here (by one of the nurses who, with the exception of one, have all been awesome by the way) because this first stay may be a month long, and today…. A picc line. Good thing, weird experience. Nothing like having a line put in your upper arm and then pushed all the way into you to stop in the artery just above your heart. It involved ultrasound and then a follow up x-ray to make sure it was in the right spot. My comment… It was like being a pipe that was getting cleaned out. I felt it, sort of, but it wasn’t really painful. The great thing about a picc line… It’s an in and out port. They can draw blood from it and administer all IV drugs into it. No more sticks. I look so purple right now after having three IV sites (and a fourth they couldn’t make work) either get too old to use or go bad. Not to mention the spots they’ve had to draw blood from every day. I basically am not clotting like I should be and so any trauma causes bruises more purple than anything I’ve ever seen. Spectacular color really. The Picc will keep me in long term business and from, hopefully, getting any more bruising going on. I need to know what color I was before all this started. Not purple or the yellow color the rest of my skin has become (unless I’ve been recently transfused… Yep, vampire talk again), but the nice rosy color I remember once possessing. Yeah, that color. I know I will see it again.

So time to post this rambler. I am going to take a stroll around the unit, wearing a mask and pulling along my little buddy (not Karen…. Though she’s coming with me of course… No, the IV saline I have running into my picc line right now.) I have to have the saline to make sure there’s enough liquid in me to help wash out the residual poison of the chemo they are giving me. IV chemo push number two tomorrow. Stay tuned…..

Lordy… This IS Life!!!

Posted by tokenhippygirl on January 29, 2010
Posted in: LiFe. Tagged: , , . Leave a Comment

I haven’t posted in ages.  I’m lame.  And exactly how many times have I said that after not posting for ages?  Many.

So much in life has happened recently… Since Thanksgiving really.  Thanksgiving with friends, then Karen’s illness and hospitalization, then her recovery, then our time in Chicago over the holidays which included Mary and Martin’s wedding, then back to work, then the fantastic news that we will be grandparents (yep…woo hoo!!! Mary and Martin are expecting a little bambino!!  Yay!!!!) in September, and then my decision to… to… I can barely say it… quit my job so we can run off to England and be there, for a few weeks, before and after the little monkey’s birth and then over the holidays and then…. I don’t even know what comes then.  It’s a lot to soak up.  On one hand… more exciting than I can say.  On the other hand… it’s a bit sad, and scary, and it’s more exciting than I can say.  I’m leaving this life I’ve known with certainty and moving into a life where there is no certainty, other than the fact that I will be doing something I love completely (taking photographs and writing) and loving my family.  I guess that’s an amazing gift.  I don’t even really have to guess about it, it IS an amazing gift.

Dinner by Nicholas

Posted by tokenhippygirl on October 28, 2009
Posted in: Eats, LiFe, Photos. Tagged: , , , , , . 1 comment



Dinner by Nicholas

Originally uploaded by Tokenhippygirl

Last Friday night we had a little get together for our friend Kate. Kate, you are an inspiration to all who know you. One year girl… the first of many fantastic years to come. You are a rock star. It was a joy helping you celebrate!

Another Tub Shot

Posted by tokenhippygirl on October 27, 2009
Posted in: LiFe, Photos. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Another Tub Shot

Originally uploaded by Tokenhippygirl

We love our tub. Here’s a great shot of it with the burgundy colored rug in front of it. Had to throw a bit o’ red into the bathroom. Also love the faucet for the tub. So cool.

Many Posts To Come

Posted by tokenhippygirl on October 23, 2009
Posted in: Family & Friends, Travel. Tagged: , , . Leave a Comment

I just got done uploading a ton of photos to Flickr covering the photo shoot, trip to San Francisco, progress on our addition, and our visit with Grandpa and Syd. I have a lot to blog about. I apologize again for the delay in all of this and hope to be back in the blogging swing this weekend. Thanks, everyone, for your patience. And… Stay tuned.

Howdy From San Jose

Posted by tokenhippygirl on October 15, 2009
Posted in: Family & Friends, Photos, Travel. Tagged: , , , , , , . 3 comments

I realize, and have heard from some of you, that I have been remiss in posting regularly to this little blog outpost of mine. I apologize. What can I say… the whirlwind of life sometimes takes over and before I know it a month or so has gone by. This phenomenon happens most especially when we are busy busy. Which, for those of you who actually know us, is the case for us in the last three or four months. Building an addition onto your house will do that.

So… we are almost done with the addition. Trim work to finish and we will be done. Kev is taking care of that for us so we’re looking like it could be completed shortly. Yes!

Currently we’re in San Jose visiting Karen’s family. I’m sitting in her parent’s living room as I type. It’s beautiful here right now. Warm and sunny. It was humid earlier today when we walked to Starbucks to get our customary chai and latte. We are in the habit of walking to the nearest Starbucks here every morning. Kind of a nice way to start our day… with a walk, a chat, and a cup of something tasty.

Tomorrow we are heading into San Francisco to meet friends and hang out for a couple of days before returning here on Sunday for another half a day of hanging out with the fam before heading back home on Monday. Should be fun, on both counts.

Right now I’m being driven mad by the tasty smell of roasting turkey and the fixings. It’s not Thanksgiving, but I’m thankful.

Oh, and for those wondering… the photo shoot the other day, my first paying gig, went well. At least, I feel like, given it was my first time, it went well. I was happy with the photos. Not too bad a deal… shooting for an hour, coming home and putting on the headphones, and working on the photos while listening to music. Life was and is, really good. I loved it. Made me very happy.

Right now eating some turkey is going to make me very happy. Yum.

Additionally

Posted by tokenhippygirl on September 22, 2009
Posted in: LiFe. Tagged: , , . Leave a Comment

And that folks is what you call a bad pun.  I’m being punny again.  I should stop.

Our bathroom addition is coming along.   Tub, toilet, sink, lighting, fan, closet shelving, and shower all done.  Or, mostly done.  I actually took a shower in there this morning.  Woo Hoo!!  I have taken some pics, but not uploaded them yet.  When I do I’ll post some.  All that’s left… finish the siding, window and door trim, crown, baseboard, solatube in closet, uh… oh, backsplash on the sink, hanging up the mirrow above the sink… and, well… I think that’s it.  Yeah.  Happy dance time.  Or almost anyway.  It’s been a long road, but it’s totally worth it.

Freakin’ Busy

Posted by tokenhippygirl on August 5, 2009
Posted in: Family & Friends, LiFe, NaBloPoMo, Rants. Tagged: , , , . Leave a Comment

That’s all I have to say…. sort of.

My oh my have we been in the soup lately.  I don’t know when we had a day off recently.  I mean… a day off.  No work, no play away from our house, nothing but relaxin’ at the abode.  I can’t remember.  That’s bad.

I was sitting here thinking about our week so far and our week ahead.  ha ha ha ha!!  I just drew a blank on what we did Monday.  What did we do? Two days ago.  We went somewhere.  Did we?  If we were with you, don’t be offended, it’s not that you’re not important to me, it’s that my brain is full. (Oh, just remembered, right before hitting the publish button… we didn’t go anywhere.  Maggie came over and we made dinner and hung out.  We did a vehicle exchange so we could take Maggie’s rig to the tire place for her Tuesday morning… yeah, that’s it.  Sorry Maggie… I had a moment.  Those squash patties were awesome by the way!)

I do know what we did last night.  We went for a bike ride with some friends along Waterfront Park and the East Bank Esplanade.  We crossed the Hawthorne and Steele bridges and stopped for some bento, yakisoba, and greek food at Riverplace.  A great night.  We are in training for the Providence Bridge Pedal on Sunday.  In training… now that’s funny.  We are so out of shape that what we pedaled last night was nothing compared to what we are supposed to pedal on Sunday.  If we make it we will have to celebrate big time, if we can walk that is.

Tonight… I believe there’s a birthday get together for Don.  Happy birthday Don!  Tomorrow… we talked about going on another bike ride.  We’ll see.  Friday night… ah, Friday.  I think, maybe we have nothing planned.  Saturday an antique show/fair in Aurora.  Sunday… Bridge Pedal.

Plus, the whole time all this is happening our bathroom addition is getting built.  Framing is now done.  Roof on today (they are re-roofing our existing house and roofing our new addition) and rough plumbing starting today as well.  Kev put in the top of the sun tunnel that will be in our walk in closet last night.  Karen is hauling another load to the dump this morning.  Our tub, vanity, and other misc. stuff is getting delivered some time today between 10 and 2 (I have to run home when it happens to help unload… long story that involves curbside only delivery… ugh!  Big crates dropped at the bottom of our long driveway… ridiculous) and the shower head, valves, etc. are also supposed to get delivered today.  Karen is calling gutter people to get estimates.  Kev is calling sheet rock and insulation places to get estimates.  Electrician will start next week on rough electrical.  Kev will put on the siding some time in the next while.  It’s quite the production.

We need a vacation…

Renewing

Posted by tokenhippygirl on July 30, 2009
Posted in: Camping, Oregon, Photos. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Renewing, originally uploaded by Tokenhippygirl.

The Davis Lake West campground is an amazing place. Several years ago there was a pretty devastating fire in the area. All the area right around the campground was burned to a crisp. When you drive down into the campground it’s like going through a forest ghost town. Dead trees everywhere. Miraculously though once you get right to the campground… trees, green, underbrush. It’s like an oasis in the middle of the desert. Strange… and beautiful.

The area where the fire was is starting to show major signs of life… underbrush really starting to develop, small trees sprouting up that will one day tower over the landscape. It’s lovely. A beautiful reminder that life springs and moves forward, constantly flowing. There’s always something new, always something beautiful, always. If you look, and sometimes you have to look hard, you can always find it. Nature is amazing and life is a constant and stunning miracle.

So Much To Tell

Posted by tokenhippygirl on July 24, 2009
Posted in: Family & Friends, Music, Oregon. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Wow.  Busy.  That’s all I can say.  We just got back from camping at Davis Lake with family.  We were there four days.  A good time was had by all, including the pups.  On Saturday, before we left for the camp ground, we attended the wedding of one of my closest friends.  I acted as official wedding photographer and was honored to do so.  These two have been through quite a bit and after being together twelve years they decided to tie the knot.  It was a lovely ceremony.  Very emotional.  I cried like a baby.

Once we got back from camping on Tuesday we watched as our bathroom addition project got off the ground on Wednesday.  Excavation started and foundation work in underway.  Very exciting.  Tonight… a concert at the zoo.  Tomorrow… inner tubing the Sandy River with friends.  It’s been a long time since I went tubing.  Can’t wait actually, should be fun.  It’s supposed to be hot.  Hot and tubing go hand in hand.

That’s life right now… loads going on.  I’ll be posting some pics of the addition progress soon.  As well as photos taken during the wedding and the camping trip.  Patience people… there’s only one of me and only so much time in a day.  I have to sort of fit work in there somewhere.  After all, they’re still paying me.