Tam's Think Tank

Honesty.  Being honest.

I am afraid.  Not always, but I am.  I am trying not to be.

I capture moments of joy, soaking them up, appreciating them with every part of my being.  My honey doing something silly and wonderful and full of joy, which she does many times a day.  Her smile.  Sebastian’s laugh or new word. The gorgeous setting of the sun.  The pups loving on me in the way only they can.  Wind in the trees.  Music stirring my soul.  A film I love.  Hugs from family.  A visit from my Mom.  Art that aches to express itself and somehow understands me.  Kindness.  Moments of love from family and friends.  Hope.

And then I have those dark moments.  Afraid.  Scared.  Taken with a near paralyzing fear that maybe this time the blood results won’t be good.  Then they are, and I feel as though I can take another breath.  This is how it goes.

To be brutally honest I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.  Happy.  Yes, it’s that every other week Tuesday and I just got my results.  They were really good.  Of course they were, I don’t have leukemia anymore.  But…

It’s that word, that awful word… but.  I fear.  I have fear.  I am afraid.  Not all the time anymore, like I once was, but I am still afraid.

Sometimes I look at people I don’t know, which I did a lot this last weekend at Ebert Fest.  I look at the crowd, overhear conversations, get a peek into people’s lives.  I hear about work, and school, and giving, and politics, and passionate causes, and daily life.  And sometimes I think to myself, of course without really knowing any of these people, wow… you have no idea what you have.  You are walking around asleep.  And trust me when I say I don’t mean this as a derogatory thing.  I envy people who are sometimes asleep, or better described I guess as sleep walking.  They don’t know how fast life can change, and does.

Karen and I were talking the other day about this very thing.  How sometimes people are so caught up in things, stuff, the daily minutia of living, they forget.  They forget what it’s really about.  It is never about stuff, things, small arguments, disagreements, anger, what you have or don’t, what you want or don’t.  It’s about love and beauty.  Period.  Which I know I’ve talked about before here in this blog of mine.

Somehow I wish I could shout out to the world for people to wake up.  Wake to love and beauty and joy and each other.  Wake to sameness and togetherness and the simple joy that we are here in this day, with each other, looking at this lovely place we call home, wherever that is.  I want to shake people.

I don’t want to sound like I know something others don’t, but in this regard, I think I kinda do.  I’m grateful for the knowing, which I think I’ve had most of my life, and for the continued teaching life has brought me to even better and more fully understand.  I’m still learning.  I take nothing for granted.

I know all of this, appreciate it, and yet I am still afraid.  I still find myself holding my breath.  It gets better, is getting better, but some days, sometimes, it’s tough.  I want to see more of my share of sunsets, and laughing good friends.  I want to get more kisses from my grandson and from our puppies.  I want more hand holding and hugging and smiles.  I want more wind in my face and sun on my feet.  I want more.  I want.  The wanting is a very hard thing to admit out loud.  But it’s there, every time I get worried.  Every time I am afraid.  I want because I am loved and I love so deeply.