Tam’s Think Tank

I haven’t posted a blog entry for quite some time.  I think, looking back, it was maybe the 30th of November.  A lot has happened since then.

There are defining moments in life.  They come in all shapes and sizes, in all manner of disguise, but they happen.  There have been many for me in the last couple of weeks, though I tend to look at them not as separate events, or moments, but as a whole of experience.  There is always, with events like this, the scary stuff. Worry about what this or that could mean, what might be happening, that things could continue to get worse.  There’s always that.  There is the need to try and fully understand what is happening so at least you can try to wrap your mind around what’s going on and what they are trying to do about it.  There is always fear.  The kind of fear that possesses your mind, takes your breath, gives you the haunted look.  I had that fear…. still do a bit.  There’s obsession.  Being obsessed with the small details… does she have enough water, are the pillows right, can she breathe, does she have pain, they need to come in, press the button, helping her do the things we take for granted in doing alone, can she breathe, what are her vitals, how much oxygen is she getting, more light, too much light, curtains open or closed, want to watch tv, can she breathe, she needs to eat, her IV needs to be changed, it’s time for her meds, they better bring her meds soon, can she breathe.  A constant symphony in my mind.  My heart racing, my breath short, my god, how can this be happening.  Panic in my eyes, strength, even if it was sometimes put on and pretend, in my voice.  Purpose.  One goal… she must get better.  She will get better.  A mantra.

There’s been all of that… the fear, the obsession, and more… but there have also been gentle moments of grace.  Small snapshots in time filled with beauty and magic… visits and words from family and friends who offered to help and sent their love; kind words from nurses and doctors and cna’s; hospital staff bringing me a juice; my honey, hardly able to get breath, smiling and trying to crack a little joke showing us all she was still in there, that feisty strong woman we all know; morning light shining into the room; a new pair of socks; a couch in the room;  a hug from my Mom and my brother; calls and kind words from Karen’s family, them loving me too; brushing my teeth; an english muffin; leaning in to hug Karen… looks passing between us when no words were necessary; hospital pajamas.  Little things.  Bigger things.  All noticed… all important.  Grace.

We get wrapped up in the stuff of life.  I don’t want to… will try not to in the future.  There’s only one thing that’s really important to me… the people I love and who love me (including, of course, the pups).  That’s it.  Getting caught in the minutia of life takes you away, your emotions and energy, from where you should be focused. Every moment of every day with the people we love is a gift.  We aren’t entitled to those moments.  They are blessings.  Every day.  Loving well is living as many moments as we can fully engrossed, absolutely present, with the people we love.  What can I say?  That’s all.  That’s everything.  That’s what loving is.