Tam's Think Tank

The previous post about The Spirit and All That Jazz has spurred a post about the worst films I’ve ever seen.  I’m going to post 10.  At least, that’s my goal right now, at the start.  It could gain momentum and be a bit longer list.  We shall see.  They will be in no particular order, though the two already mentioned here would actually be one and two on the list, respectively.  (And, if you read the title you know I expanded to 13.  Sitting here now I can think of a few more, but I’ll stop here.  I’ll save the others for the part 2 list)

As mentioned… The Spirt was bad.  And I mean… bad.  I know, it’s supposed to be stylized.  I get that.  To me, however, it had no style at all.  Run, don’t walk, from this movie.  Spend your time doing something more worthwhile… like mowing the lawn or going to the dentist.  Anything.  Anything would be better.  Really.

This strange, I really can’t stand it, oddity of a film won 4 oscars.  Maybe it’s that I just don’t get it.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe not.  Either way… All That Jazz was terrible.  Hard to follow.  Choppy.  Uh… just plain… strange.  No other way to put it.  Sometimes I like strange.  Sometimes strange is good.  This was/is not one of those times.

Supernova .  Completely terrible and very disappointing.  One of those times you think… man, it has good people in it.  Actors I like.  But somehow even they look bad in this movie.  Really bad.  There’s nothing much more I can say about this other than… ew.

Event Horizon.   Sam Neill.  Laurence Fishburne.  Worse than terrible.  Not only was it bad it was, to me anyway… disturbing.  Which maybe it was supposed to be.  Whatever.  I’ve seen plenty of movies that were slightly disturbing, or even a lot disturbing, and they weren’t bad.  They were disturbing, but that was OK because it was part of the story or moved it along.  This… disturbing for no damn good reason.  Creepy in a I have to take a shower now kinda way.  Avoid this film.

Max Payne.  I don’t even really know what to say about this movie.  I was excited to watch it… and then we did.  All the best parts were shown on the previews.  Now, looking back on actually watching it, I can’t even remember the movie all that much.  I just know we were like… uh… that was not good.

Chapter 27.  I thought… wow, this could be interesting.  Sadly, I was mistaken.  Not only was it not interesting, it was painfully slow.  Slow and… really slow.  We looked at each other and were like, OK, we have to turn this thing off.  I fast forwarded and watched the last two thirds of this film at high speed, slowing slightly once in awhile to keep up with what was going on.  Which took like a minute or less each time.  This thing is unbelievably shamefully sorry.  The only interesting thing about it is that Jared Leto looked transformed… kudos to him.   However, his weight gain is the only heavy thing this movie carries.  There was no substance to it.  None.  Just creepy looks and… a whole lotta nothing.   Too harsh?  I don’t think so.

Righteous Kill.  Writing… bad.  Directing… not great.  Acting… OK.  Predictability… yes.  This film, on the surface, would seem to be a winner all around… good actors, good director, etc.  But, it’s not.  And in fact, it’s silly, predictable, over the top, and just plain uninteresting.  Another film we fast forwarded through because we couldn’t take it at normal speed.  I would’ve turned it off completely, but I had to see the end to make sure the bad guy was who I knew it was after watching the first 10 minutes.  It was.  Skip this.  Even DeNiro and Pacino can’t save this terrible excuse for a movie.

Margot At The Wedding.  I hate it when I like no one in a movie.  When there doesn’t seem to be one redeeming person.  For me, this film was like that.  I didn’t enjoy a single line of it.  After watching this movie, and again, we fast forwarded through much of the end of it, I felt ucky.  Annoyed.  Like someone had robbed me of a small amount of time in my life and I was perturbed about it.  In fact, I still feel perturbed just thinking about it.

In Bruges.  It could just be me, but this movie was awful.  Again, I liked no one.  The shots, all puns intended, at humor were not funny.  Though maybe it was just my sense of humor, which this film didn’t even touch, that made me want to throw a shoe at the screen.  I don’t know.  I couldn’t believe how bad this thing was for me.  I watched and then just wanted to say what was the point of that?  There are films where it’s OK to ask that fateful question at the end… then there are films like In Bruges.

Freedomland.  I thought… good actors.  Come to think of it maybe I should stop right there to say that possibly I shouldn’t always see a movie because of the actors involved, but a girl has to have some way, some criteria for picking films to watch, and that’s one of mine.  Sue me.  But I digress… back to the movie.  It lumbered.  It was like walking uphill in water.  Slow and painful.

The Assassination of Jesse James by The Coward Robert Ford.  This movie is beautifully shot, I’ll give it that.  It’s gorgeous in fact.  However, that’s the only thing it has going for it.  Other than, alright, OK, the acting in it is also pretty good.  I just didn’t like it.  Talk about watching paint dry.  By about half way through I was like… this thing is beautiful, but c’mon already, shoot him.  Get it over with.  That, to me, is never a good sign.  One should never be thinking get it over with already while watching a movie.  Plus… could there be any longer or worse title for a movie than this?

I Heart Huckabees.  Huh?  Just plain not awesome.

Layer Cake.  To much.  Over the top.  Kinetic, not in a good way.  One of those films where you aren’t on the edge of your seat, you’ve fallen off.